Marriage, Mother-in-law and Melodrama
In India, in
the majority of cases, after a couple ties the knot, the daughter-in-law moves
into the husband’s house to live with his parents. All of sudden newlywed bride
gets entangled in many new relationships at this new home. The concept of
boundaries does exist in Indian families but it is never practices in reality.
When you marry an Indian, you marry the whole family. The most difficult
relationship is how to handle sometimes a demanding mother-in-law and other
family members?
Riya is a happy
going girl from Mumbai got married to a Punjabi guy from Patiala. She was
working in the developmental sector, while beau
a medical professional. They were in a strong relationship for several
years as they knew each other and decided to go for marriage. It was the most difficult
decision for Riya’ s parents to send their daughter from a metro city to a small
town but they have to accept it. After few small issues and pesky incidence
finally, Riya got married. Riya was happy and started dreaming of her new life.
Finally, the
day arrived and Riya with all her beautiful dreams landed in her new home. She started mixing and
interacting with all family members. She found her sister in law as a good
friend, father in law was broad-minded and understanding by nature. The problem arrived with mother in law
(MIL). She was a typical Indian
mother-in-law (MIL) and a quite complicated person.
In most of
the cases, mother-in law behaves like a strict ruler. She will keep on releasing orders and
daughter in law has to implement all those. Riya’s MIL also set few rules for
her to get up early in the morning, take bath before preparing breakfast for the whole family, do all
household work, prepare lunch, dinner, distribute milk to everyone at the
bedtime. These hard realities were not part of the dreams of Riya. She started
following all the instructions of MIL as she does not want anyone finger out
her parents and their rearing. MIL started making comments on cooking and other
household work patiently carried out by Riya.
One day she told Riya “Shadi ke baad beta Ma ka nhi, Bibi ka ho jata
hai” (After marriage son follows his wife not the mother). Riya did not replied
but could read between the lines of her MIL and her agony.
Another shocking
day for Riya was, when she was working on the computer and put on her
spectacles. Her MIL asked Riya “ Ghar se
bahar jana to chashma mat pahnana, badnami hogi” (not to wear spectacles when
you go out, it is shameful for us). Riya in the first place could not
understand the link between wearing a chasma and ghar ki ijjat? It was
something against her own wish and will and perhaps an issue of one’s own dignity.
These comments ( not suggestions) from MIL started annoying Riya.
Riya just
recollected a lesson , which her mother taught
that building a relationship with
MIL is a PROCESS and you have to be PATIENT. Your efforts will eventually
pay off because, in Indian families,
respect is earned from the elders, not just simply given for free. Riya’s mom also explained to her that MIL is
most important in your marriage so sharing a tricky relationship with her can
spell trouble for a peaceful marital life. You need to handle your MIL with
extreme care, precaution and strategic planning. Riya understood the wise
advise from her mother.
Each
relationship is been built over time. They don’t happen just like that. Hence
relationships should have their limitation and boundaries, which need to be
maintained. Now the question arises till when Riya need to do all this; few
years OR throughout the life? Why always Riya has to listen and make
adjustments and sacrifices? It is difficult to answer all these questions without
getting in to feminist and Gender lens. We have thousands of Riyas in the 21st century of shining
India who are struggling and strategizing their relationships not only with
their life partners and children but
also with the husband’s family members and distant relatives. And most
importantly with the in-laws and
especially the MIL in their life
for finding peaceful solutions so that families are well-preserved and cherished!
let us hope
for the better future for many Riya who are not able to express their feelings
but silently suffering in the name of family name, status, values and culture!
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